I'm trying to see 'me' from my beloved person point of view.
Maybe that's what will he say when he talks about me somewhere or to someone.
maybe...
Because he always told me "a side effect of deeply caring for another person--their pain becomes yours, but I don't care."
...
"I know what it's like to have someone rely heavily on me during some of the hardest times in their life and be at the receiving end of some of their darkest thoughts. I'd be lying if I say it didn't affect me because it did.
I guess that's a side effect of deeply caring for another person--their pain becomes yours, and their words will influence the way you see the world. however, looking back at those times, I honestly feel nothing but gratitude. I'm glad that they decided to rely on me, because the alternative is them hurting even more than they already are, and that's the last thing I would've wanted."
...
When you rely heavily on someone until you make that person your source of happiness.
It's when things get toxic.
Because if I looked back to when I don't even know him, I'm still figuring out what makes me happy, I'm often blaming myself for everything bad that happened in my life. And honestly, I was lonely at that time. When u meet someone who can understand your pain, and finally find someone that u can rely on. It's true bliss, isn't it? From there, I started making him my everything. Or is it just an act from someone who never had a relationship before in her life?
I was doubting my choice, and I've told him before I don't know if I want in a relationship right now, maybe we should stop here. I've told him that before, I'm fully aware that I'm not able to love someone when I'm still can't love myself that time. But, I'm already comfortable and getting used to his presence all this time. That's why I told him, I'm walking in love with you, never falling in love with you. Because my love for him was growing in this relationship.
But something makes me, back to my old self. I do have trust issues and some other issues and trauma, long before I met him. For as long as I can remember maybe from there this love became an obsession. It's triggered me, and I'm afraid of being abandoned by someone. This is what I was afraid of since the very beginning.
If someone asked me, did I care about him all this time we were together? Of course, I do.
If someone asked me, are u in love with him? I loved him before it turned into an obsession.
I hate myself because I can't control my emotion and negative thought if it came to him. What I've done hurt him even more. When someone you trust didn't trust you back, of course, you'll get pissed off.
It's all because of that moment. And it's triggered me so much.
I'm hoping for a good one for both of us.
Maybe getting back together wasn't a good idea.
for now
I'm trying to overcome this phase, as people said "And this too shall pass".
Looking back, I can overcome everything and can be in this position all because of my strength and good support from the right one. So, I'm really thankful for everything. Because I can be a better person than yesterday because of him too. And in the future, I can't wait till my future self re-read this again and saying
"Good job, you've done well."
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